New York, N.Y.–Dr. Jason Ganz, an assistant professor of plastic surgery and hand surgery at Stony Brook, spent months mapping out how he was going to perform the delicate procedure without getting a raging boner the whole time. “She’s really hot. I couldn’t have a girl that looks like that in front of me while I’m trying to operate. I’d fuck up the whole thing and these scrubs can’t hide a boner worth a shit. Believe me!”

“When I saw her in November” he told FoxNews.com. “She wasn’t ready for reconstruction yet. But I knew right away this was the surgery that she would need. Toe thumbs. Toe fucking thumbs on her hands”

“I’ve done a lot of replant surgery where we reattach severed fingers,” he said. “The techniques involved are very similar. In a lot of ways it’s the ideal finger replant but in this case we’re using a toe instead of a damaged finger. Just to be funny. She’s a super hot Hollywood star. How funny would it be to put toes on her hands? We couldn’t pass this one up.”

Ganz said when you do an operation like this – it’s imperative that the hand is completely healed, the scar tissue is softened and the swelling has come down.

“So it took several months of waiting for that to happen and several months of planning on our part. The boner issue was the most important to me. I’d look like an idiot with a big bulge in my pants.” he said.

And it didn’t just take time for Ganz and his team to figure out the boner thing – they had to go out and get some toes.

“It’s a big step to take and a tough pill to swallow to risk a perfectly good toe to reconstruct a thumb,” Ganz said. “But the truth is — she is gonna shit when she sees these toes on her hands! The look on her face will be priceless.”

In order to achieve that, Ganz and a team of surgeons, anesthesiologists and nurses had to work for 11 hours in the operating room.

“We actually worked simultaneously,” he said. “One of us was working on the hands while another surgeon was working on the boner-hiding mechanism that we fashioned from an old frying pan and some twine. We would communicate the entire operation about exactly how long an artery we needed, which tendons were present and how much pressure was on the erection shield. The techniques really need to be impeccable.”

And they were. When the surgery was completed, the results were exactly what they were hoping for. Two brand new toe thumbs and not one nurse could tell that the doctor was fighting a serious hard-on the entire time. “I had to beat off right after the surgery but I made it.” Ganz said.

She will need extensive rehab, but it won’t be to learn how to use her thumbs again.

“That’s still wired in her brain,” Ganz pointed out. “Basically what she’ll go to therapy for is to make sure she does things gradually so all the repairs that we’ve done will stay intact. As she makes a steady progress she should regain the vast majority of her hand function back. Totally looks weird but she’ll be fine. I got a bunch of pics I’m gonna post on Facebook. And a couple others I’m keeping for myself. I love being a doctor!!”

*stole real story from Fox News. The girl in the pictures is Megan Fox. A few people told me they never heard of her before and didn’t know about the toe thumbs. Am I the only asshole who reads Us Weekly around here? Here. And Google “megan fox t”.

Cambodia’s missing ‘jungle woman’ found in toilet.

A Cambodian woman whose story gripped the nation after she apparently spent 18 years living in the jungle has been found in a dugout toilet 11 days after she disappeared again, her father said on Monday. Rochom P’ngieng, 29, was reported missing late last month by her family, who at the time said they believed she had fled back into the forest.

She was found in an outdoor toilet about 100 metres (300 feet) from her home after a neighbour heard her crying, Sal Lou, the man who says he is her father. “She was discovered in a 10-metre deep toilet. It’s an unbelievable story. She spent 11 days there,” he said, adding that her body was soaked with excrement up to her chest.

“We are still wondering how she could get into the toilet” which has a small entrance hole covered in wood, he said, adding that she had been admitted to hospital following the incident. Rochom P’ngieng went missing as a little girl in 1989 while herding water buffalo in Ratanakkiri province, around 600 kilometres (400 miles) northeast of Phnom Penh and home to some of the most isolated and wild jungle in Cambodia.

In early 2007 she was brought from the jungle, naked and dirty, after being caught trying to steal food from a farmer. She was hunched over like a monkey, scavenging on the ground for pieces of dried rice. Cambodians described her as “jungle woman” and “half-animal girl” and since rejoining society she has battled bouts of illness after refusing food.