At my old office there was a girl who sat near me who ate apples everyday and the crunching and chewing made me want to throw up. Now I’m in a new building and there’s a dude nearby who eats apples everyday. Double-yoo tee eff? To make it even worse, I developed an allergic reaction to apples sometime in my 20’s (no idea why or how. shut up, it’s true.) so I can’t even eat them. And I like eating them! AND I’ve been waiting for a chart like this to come out for years! They got way too many kinds of them at the store. But it’s too late for me now. I’ve never felt so violated by a fruit before. (well, actually there was this one time in San Francisco but I won’t get into that right now. HEY-OOOO!!!!! But seriously!) So anyway, fuck apples.

*I am not kidding right now, that dickface just started eating an apple as I typed that last sentence. I’m gonna go for a walk. Animals.

Always request Kosher meals when you buy airline tickets. The Kosher food on the plane is way better quality and the flight attendant brings it to you fresh from the airplane kitchen. No rolling cart for this stuff! These meals are hand delivered. Also, the Kosher meal folks always get served first. No waiting around for us! You’ll be the envy of the whole row.

And if you order tickets through Orbitz or Priceline you can set it to Kosher so you get it every time you fly. Another trick I like is buying 5 airplane bottles of bourbon on the ground! You’ll save twenty dollars and you’ll save yourself the shame and embarrassment of having to order so many of them from the flight attendant.

So the next time you’re booking a flight, go Kosher! You’ll be glad you did. Tell them Weakstream sent you.

I’m worried that I might be getting in too deep with these www’s. But I got a girl and I don’t live at my mom’s house so I guess it’s not a problem. Anyways, I’m not entirely sure what the point of Formspring is. You can ask people anonymous questions and it can connect to Twitter, Facebook, Wordpress and Tumblr. What happens when it’s connected, I don’t know. I just feel like this relationship has been a one-way street for a long time. You fuckin’ dicks don’t even comment on anything. Besides my brother. I’m hurting, that’s all. Alright, come on. Let’s do dis thing! Ask me anything, bitches! I don’t even care what it is! The important part is that this killed a good 25 minutes of my day at work. In your faces, the man!!

If I ever became famous or earned a highly respected position of some kind (I know! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!) Google could really have me by the nuts. I’ve been using Gmail for 8 or so years and I’m always logged in if my computer is on (fuckin 700 hours a week). They could dig up a lot of dirt on me if there was ever a reason to look. And now I have the Droid phone so Google knows where I am all the time and who I talk to. They know where I like to eat. They know when I’m home and when I’m out of town. They know that every Friday afternoon I send my wife a picture of my balls. ( just kidding. ( or am I? ( yes. I am. ( totally not kidding. ) ) ) )

The good news is that there’s a very good chance none of this matters to me. Even if there was a control center that focused solely on me and what I’m up to I wouldn’t care. There’s probably like 5 of them right now wondering why I keep going to the men’s room. It’s because I drank way too much lemonade this morning. So good. It’s going right through me.

Okay, sure. Somebody used Google Maps to locate a heavily wooded area to hide in and then he broke into a woman’s house and killed her but he probably would have just killed somebody else. And I’m not a woman in England in a wooded neighborhood anyway and if you have any tips on how to benefit by having my identity I’d love to hear about it.

Last year my step father had to have half his leg chopped off due to poor circulation (ie being totally unhealthy for 60 years). You know when somebody says something so fucking funny that you’ll probably remember it for the rest of your life? My little brother told him to “look on the bright side, now you’ve got twice as many socks.”

Our old dog who is no longer with us due to an unfortunate encounter with a train used to lick her own asshole when we were in bed (probably other times too but you just notice stuff like this more easily when it’s totally quiet) and it sounded like somebody stirring a fresh pot of macaroni and cheese. Our new dog eats the toilet paper straight from the roll in the bathroom and stops on every other step to look back at you when you’re trying to walk down the stairs.

I guess this won’t really work because the rest of the screen is lit up but with a real strobe light it’s crazy! Serious, it’ll blow your fuckin’ mind! The piss stream isn’t a stream at all. It’s made up of thousands of little droplets. I discovered this while on mushrooms about 10 years ago. The more you know!

Last week I saw a section of pipe similar to the oil pipe that’s leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. You wanna know what would fit perfectly in that thing to stop the leak? The corpse of Gary Motherfucking Coleman. They could stick him right in there! Use the force, Coleman! The force of your little body into that pipe to stop this disaster! Do in death what you could never do in life: Plug up an oil pipe that’s a mile beneath the surface of the sea! Whatchu talkin’ ’bout BP?!

*thanks to Kristen for computerly manipulating the photographs for the visual presentation of my plan. it’s a little bit…crude but thats okay! Crude!!

Top left, blue bikini. Shwing!

Last week I was at the pool in the condo development at my father-in-law’s vacation house. My son was swimming and the Wife and I were lounging. We were the only ones there. Then this family shows up. A father, mother, grandmother, two teenage girls and a dude. The one dude appeared to be the boyfriend or maybe just a regular friend of the younger nerd girl. I had seen the older sister the day before but I didn’t get a good look at her until now. I found her to be a lot less attractive than what my imagination had led me to believe. But that is neither here nor there.

As I’m telling my son to stay in the shallow end of the pool the younger nerd sister with the annoying voice and the doofy guy start to get in on the other side. Right after they get in I see a green hue surrounding them. I thought my eyes must have been screwy from too much sun or something but then they noticed it too. The dude says something like “awww, that was NOT me” and swims to the other side. I pretended to not notice and went and sat down again. The girl says “it wasn’t me either!”. Her voice reminded me of the kid with the braids from that movie Good Burger. (Not that I’ve ever seen it (It was awesome!))

The dude says “look me in the eye and swear you didn’t do it.” She’s like “I didn’t!” This goes on for a while and the girl never owns up to it.

So I guess they put a certain chemical in the water and if you pee in it the water changes color to shame people into not peeing in the pool! It’s a great idea but out of respect it would be thoughtful to have a sign or something to warn people, right? Maybe not, I don’t know. It was especially great because of all the people to get busted for peeing in the pool it was the young teenage nerd girl and the person who busted her was the dude. A perfect formula for maximum embarrassment. I bet she’ll never forget that this happened and I also bet she doesn’t go around pissing up pools anymore.

Another great thing was that minutes later my 3 year-old son says “daddy, I have to go potty” and he gets out of the pool and walks right over to the mens room 15 feet away.

Of course I can. It’s my fuckin’ site. I just want to say that I will NEVER be tasered or shot by the police. People who get tasered or shot by the police are assholes. Except in the very rare cases of an accidental discharge of a weapon or a stray bullet like the little girl in Detroit last week whose family called a lawyer before calling the funeral home. Don’t even get me started on those fuckholes. This family is gonna get so jacked by the lawyer too I bet! Anyway, if a cop says to me STOP! you wanna know what I would do? I’d fuckin’ stop cuz I’m not an asshole. If a cop is being rude or mean to me you know what I’d do? I’d eat it cuz you can’t win an argument with a cop and shouldn’t even be having an argument with a cop, stupid.

All these shitheads getting beat up, tased and shot by the police can go suck a dick cuz they’re assholes that don’t know anything about life. If you’re young and stupid and have warrants so you run and try to get away I’ll cut you a little slack the first time but after that you can suck a dick with the rest of them.

Stop whining and pull your head out of your ass. Tasers were made for assholes like you.

Thanks! : )